Star Wars II Attack of the Ricks
by Fictionstv
Summary: Parody of Attack of the Clones with Rick and Morty characters. Jedi Rick must discover a heinous plot. Jerry Skywalker is charged with escorting Beth Amidala to her home planet.
1. Chapter 1

**Star Wars II**

 **Attack of the Rick**

(Based on Rick and Morty)

Senator Beth Amidala traveled by Naboo Cruiser and two Naboo star fighter escorts to Coruscant, the capital planet of the galaxy. As soon as they landed on a floating platform, an explosion ripped through the cruiser killing all aboard. A woman that resembled Beth was thrown forward and wasn't moving.

A female star fighter pilot ran over to the highly dressed decoy. She took off her star fighter mask revealing that she was the real Senator Beth. "Wow, that sucks," she expressed seeing her dead decoy.

"We should leave. It's not safe here," her captain advised.

"Don't have to tell me twice," Beth replied and went along with him off the platform.

* * *

Chancellor Rick entertained the Jedi Council to discuss the possibility of civil war. "I don't know how long I can hold off this vote. A lot of star systems are starting to join the Separatists," Chancellor Rick said bored.

"You must realize, the Jedi are keepers of peace, not soldiers," Mace Windu said.

"Your inadequacies and limitations are well know to me. Master Yoda, in your infinite wisdom, do you think it will come to war?" Chancellor Rick asked condescendingly.

"Impossible to see, the Dark Side clouds everything," Yoda replied.

"Well, that's just great. Why do I even talk to you people?" Chancellor Rick said disdainfully.

A hologram of a Rodian Senator appeared in front of Chancellor Rick. "The loyalist delegation has arrived," he announced.

"I don't give a shit...I mean, send them in," Chancellor Rick allowed.

Beth then entered the room with several other Senators. "To see you alive, brings warm feelings to my heart," Yoda said to her.

"I bet it does," Beth said suspiciously. "Do you know who was behind the attack?"

"Intelligence reports point to disgruntled spice miners," Mace said.

"Yeah, that's bullshit," Beth doubted."I think Count Rick is behind it."

"So sure you are, why did you ask?" Yoda asked her.

Beth's eyes turned to slits as she glared at the Jedi toad.

"Count Rick is a political idealist, not a murderer," Ki-Aid said.

"Yeah, because those two characteristics are mutually exclusive," Chancellor Rick mocked.

"Count Rick was once a Jedi. He couldn't assassinate anyone," Mace assured Beth.

"Do you have any evidence?" Chancellor Rick asked Beth.

"I just know," Beth said stubbornly.

"You just...know. Well, its a good thing we have courts with due process that require evidence and witnesses. If Senator Amidala were in charged, we would execute people for witchcraft like the dark ages," Chancellor Rick said.

"Why am I even here?" Beth asked offended.

"Can you assign a Jedi to protect her? I would hate for anything to happen to her," Chancellor Rick said sarcastically.

"Is that wise during these stressful times?" Senator Bail Organa asked rhetorically.

"Yes," Chancellor Rick replied shutting him up.

"Chancellor, if I may...," Beth objected.

"Yeah, I don't give a shit," Chancellor Rick shut her down.

"Jedi Rick has just returned from a border skirmish," Mace considered.

"This isn't necessary," Beth continued to object.

"Jedi Rick is a drunken fool, but I have confidence in him," Chancellor Rick said thoughtfully.

"I will have Jedi Rick report to you immediately," Mace said to her.

"Fine, whatever," Beth said displeased.

* * *

Jedi Rick and Jerry Skywalker traveled up to the top floor in a glass elevator. Jedi Rick took out a flask and drank a sip of pure alcohol. Jerry looked around anxiously. "Relax. She probably doesn't even remember you," Jedi Rick told him.

"I'm not afraid of that," Jerry said fearfully.

"Then what?" Jedi Rick asked impatiently.

"It's just we're so high up and we're surrounded by glass," Jerry said.

"Jesus Christ, Jerry! Grow some balls, already," Jedi Rick said exasperated.

"I'm sorry. I just don't like heights," Jerry said cowering in a fetal position on the elevator floor.

"Try not to embarrass me too hard, Jerry," Jedi Rick said annoyed as the elevator doors opened.

"Is it over?" Jerry asked as the elevator stopped moving.

"Rick!" Jar Jar Binks said as Jedi Rick approached him.

"Touch me and I'll kill you with my mind," Jedi Rick warned him as he passed by him.

Jar Jar received a better reception with Jerry. "Hi, Jar-Jar," Jerry said warmly and embraced the Gungan.

"You comin to keep the Senator safe?" Jar-Jar asked.

"That's right," Jerry said proudly.

"You don't need to impress him, Jerry. He eats his own shit," Jedi Rick reminded him.

"Messa do not!" Jar-Jar protested.

Senator Beth then joined them. "It's been ten years without even a phone call, asshole," Beth said peeved.

"Sorry, I was busy saving the galaxy from the fuck-ups you Senators cause," Jedi Rick replied.

"I will have you know that we Senators serve a valuable function in the Republic," Beth said offended.

"Oh Really? Do you know what I have to say to that?" Jedi Rick asked and proceed to obnoxiously fart in her direction.

Beth then eyed Jerry. "Is that you, Jerry?" she asked. "Look how big you've grown."

"So have you...I mean, more beautiful I mean...for a Senator anyway. Not that Senators aren't beautiful. It's just...," Jerry babbled.

"Our presence will be invisible here as in I will probably not be here often. Where's the bar?" Jedi Rick changed the subject.

"I want to find out if Count Rick is trying to kill me," Beth said seriously.

"Not...burp...in my job description," Jedi Rick replied and took another sip.

"We will find out who's trying to kill you, Beth," Jerry volunteered.

Jedi Rick gave Jerry slit eyes. "Don't be a kiss ass, Jerry. Senators don't need to think they're more important than they already are. They think their own shit smells good," Jedi Rick lectured.

"Yeah, I'm really asking so much of you," Beth said sarcastically.

"How many...how many normal people have Jedi as security guards? Yeah, that's what I thought," Jedi Rick said.

"Then quit. I don't need you," Beth raised her voice.

"Can't. I have to get Jerry promoted, so I can get rid of him," Jedi Rick said annoyed.

"Hey, that's not very nice to say in front of the Senator," Jerry complained.

"Shut the fuck up, Jerry," Jedi Rick said unsympathetically.

Beth stormed out of the room and Jedi Rick took another sip. "Well, I know I feel a lot better with you here, Master Jedi," her captain said after an awkward pause.

"Holy Shit! You were here this whole time?" Rick asked not noticing him being there the entire time.

* * *

Jedi Rick relaxed on a couch as Jerry paced around the room. "Don't worry. Captain Typho has plenty of men downstairs. If I were the killer, I wouldn't go that way," Jedi Rick said.

"I just don't like waiting around like this," Jerry said anxiously.

"Let the enemy come to us. It's a waste of time and energy searching for him," Jedi Rick said as he rested his eyes. "Did you install the hidden camera?"

"Yes, but she covered it up," Jerry said pathetically.

"Jerry, the whole idea of a hidden camera is for her to not know where it is," Jedi Rick said annoyed.

"Sorry, she found it. Artoo is in the room, and he sees everything," Jerry said.

"Maybe you're right," Jedi Rick said apathetically and went back to sleep.

* * *

Jedi Rick awoke a few hours later. It was still night. Looking around, he saw Jerry fast asleep. "Jerry, you piece of shit!" Jedi Rick shouted and kicked him awake.

"Please don't hurt me," Jerry automatically said as he fell to the floor.

"I told you to keep watch," Jedi Rick lectured.

"It's just I have trouble sleeping. It's my mother," Jerry said sadly.

Jedi Rick drank from his flask unmoved. "I don't give a shit, Jerry. I never got to know my parents. I was taken away as an infant. Be thankful you got to be with her at all, you worthless turd," Jedi Rick said angrily.

"Well, I can't help it. What should I do?" Jerry asked.

"Try dreaming about Beth in the other room completely naked under those sheets. What I would do to be Artoo right now," Jedi Rick smiled.

"Gross," Jerry frowned. "And I thought Jedi couldn't love," he said confused.

"No, Jerry, you fucking moron. You can't get married. Nothing stops you from getting all the pussy you can handle. Unfortunately, that's never going to happen for you," Jedi Rick clarified.

"Do you sense that?" Jerry asked changing the subject.

"Sense what?" Jedi Rick asked unconcerned.

"Oh God! I have to save her," Jerry said and threw himself into the room.


	2. Chapter 2

Jerry barged into the room and looked around confused. "Hey, what gives?" he wondered.

"You talking about the worms? Artoo dealt with them no thanks to you two," Beth criticized.

Jerry looked around and saw the probe floating right outside the window. "Hey, Jerry. Go get that probe," Jedi Rick said as he casually entered the room.

"Got it," Jerry said and then threw himself out the window.

Jerry cried out in fear as he barely held onto the probe as it sped away. "I immediately regret this decision," he moaned.

Jedi Rick calmly drank from his flask unconcerned. "Aren't you going to follow him?" Beth asked him.

"I suppose," Jedi Rick said reluctantly.

* * *

Jedi Rick went downstairs and looked for a car he liked. Getting into the car, he took his time checking out the lights, the radio, and then adjusting the seat. Finally, he drove away to find Jerry.

"Oh God, someone help me?" Jerry said fearfully as the probe tried to shake him off.

Finally, the assassin fired her rifle blasting the probe. Jerry screamed like a little girl as he fell to his death. He continued to scream as he fell into Rick's car. "It's alright. I saved you, dumbass," Jedi Rick said to him.

"Oh, thank you, Rick," Jerry said thankfully.

"Don't burp mention it," Jedi Rick said as he went after the assassin.

The assassin flew towards electrical coils. "Rick, we're going to avoid the electricity right?" Jerry asked fearfully.

"Don't be a baby. A little electricity can't hurt you," Jedi Rick said as they went through it.

The two screamed as they were nearly shocked to death exposing their skeletons. "Okay, I might have misjudged that," Jedi Rick admitted.

"You think?" Jerry said painfully.

"Don't bust my balls, Jerry. Now, make sure you don't miss the assassin," Jedi Rick said and suddenly went upside down causing Jerry to fall out.

Jerry screamed until he suddenly hit the roof the assassin's car with a thud. "I don't want to be here. Why couldn't I have just stayed in the apartment," Jerry moaned.

The assassin tried to get him off by maneuvering her vehicle. When that didn't work, she fired her blaster at him nearly hitting him. "Use your light saber, you moron," Jedi Rick called out to him.

"Right," Jerry agreed taking out his light saber. As soon as he got it out, it slipped through his fingers into the air.

Jedi Rick caught the flying light saber and put it inside the car. "Nice, Jerry, real nice," he said disappointed.

The assassin was too busy trying to throw Jerry off that she nearly crashed into several flying cars. Those cars hit other cars creating explosions midair. Other cars slammed into buildings and one car hit a much larger transport ship that crashed on the ground creating a huge explosion. Jedi Rick eyed the carnage with wide-eyes and took another sip.

"Please get me off this ride," Jerry cried out as the explosions roared around him.

Jedi Rick fired at the assassin's car disabling it. The car crashed near a night club and the assassin ran inside. Jerry fell off the car's roof and puked. Jedi Rick casually arrived. "You lost this," Jedi Rick said handing Jerry back his light saber.

"Oh, thank you," Jerry said gratefully. "Master Windu said a Jedi's light saber is his life."

"Spoken like a true hack," Jedi Rick said disrespectfully. "Look, Jerry, there's nothing special about a light saber. I can get one off the black market for cheap. They're limited to only what's in front of you, and they have no range. That's why I gave you a light saber and not a blaster which can actually do some real damage."

"Speaking of which, your failure caused an entire city block to be destroyed. I hope you're proud of yourself," Jedi Rick said with disdain.

"I was just trying to do my job," Jerry said embarrassed.

"Don't worry about it, Jerry. It's the will of the Force that you're a retard. Now, go inside the club and find that assassin. I'm going to get a drink," Jedi Rick said.

Jedi Rick proceeded to the bar to get himself a drink. "Do you want to buy some death sticks," a drug dealer asked him.

"Do I?" Jedi Rick said enthusiastically. "How much?"

While Jedi Rick was negotiating a good price for death sticks, Jerry was in search mode for the assassin. Unfortunately for him, the assassin wasn't even bothering to deal with him instead going after Jedi Rick. She fired on him as he was at the bar. Jedi Rick quickly placed the drug dealer in front of him to shield his body and then sliced her hand off with his light saber.

Jerry quickly arrived to the scene. "Really, Jerry? You allowed the assassin to sneak up on me and kill my best dealer?"

"Sorry, she's a changling after all," Jerry excused.

"No excuse, Jerry. Help me bring her outside," Jedi Rick ordered.

Jerry looked around at the aliens staring at them. "Go back to your drinks: Jedi business," he said with authority.

"Shut the fuck up, Jerry," Jedi Rick undercut him.

* * *

Jedi Rick and Jerry took the assassin outside for interrogation. Jedi Rick took a drink as he considered what to do. "We can do this the easy way or the hard way," Jedi Rick told her.

"I thought Jedi don't torture," Jerry said confused.

"She doesn't know that, you fucking moron. You just killed my only leverage to get information," Jedi Rick said angrily.

"I actually did believe him too," the assassin said.

"Okay, sorry, it's been a rough day," Jerry said apologetically.

"Keep your mouth shut and keep guard," Jedi Rick told him. "She then turned to the assassin. "I'm not like the Jedi you have encountered before. I honestly don't give a shit why you want to kill Senator Amidala. If I was paid well, I might be inclined to do the same thing. So, before I use a mind trick that scrambles your brain beyond recognition, how about you tell me who you're working for?"

"A bounty hunter named...," the assassin said and then was suddenly shot in the neck with a poison dart.

"Jesus, Jerry!" Jedi Rick shouted at him.

"I didn't see it coming at all," Jerry said defensively.

Jedi Rick squinted and saw a figure in the distance.

"Here I go killing again," the bounty hunter said and used his rocket pack to fly off.

Jedi Rick then turned to Jerry who was playing around with the dart. "You know that's poisonous right, that it could kill you within a few seconds?"

"I do now," Jerry said dropping the dart.

Jedi Rick placed the dart in a sealed bag. "Let's go," he said tiredly.

* * *

The next morning, Jedi Rick and Jerry were before the Jedi Council. Jedi Rick was noticeably hung over with blood-shot eyes. The intense sunlight coming through the windows didn't help the situation. "Track down this bounty hunter you must, Rick," Yoda ordered.

"Must we? He's probably left the system by now," Jedi Rick doubted.

"Most importantly, who he is working for," Mace added.

"You want him dead or alive?" Jedi Rick asked bored.

"Alive, if you can," Yoda replied.

"Alright, let's go," Jedi Rick said to Jerry.

"What about the Senator?" Jerry asked before Jedi Rick could leave.

Jedi Rick tensed up in annoyance. "Yeah...what about her?" he asked with gritted teeth.

"Handle that, your padawan will," Yoda replied.

"Jerry, escort the Senator to Naboo. She will be safer there," Mace ordered.

"Great plan. Send two horny young people off to the most romantic planet on the galaxy known for large plains. No, that isn't a sniper's delight or anything. No, nothing possibly could go wrong with that plan," Jedi Rick mocked.

"Trust in your padawan, you should," Yoda told him.

"Well, thank you. That means a lot to me," Jerry said appreciatively.

"Come on, Jerry," Jedi Rick said dragging him away from the Council.

* * *

Jerry was summoned by the Chancellor himself on the matter of Senator Amidala. "She knows better not to refuse an executive order, I'm Chancellor Rick!" Chancellor Rick said confidently.

"Well, that's good to know," Jerry said awkwardly.

"You know, Jerry, I think you're the most gifted Jedi of all. I think you will one day surpass Master Yoda," Chancellor Rick said.

"You really think so?" Jerry said stunned by such high praise.

"Nah, I'm just fucking with you Jerry. You should have seen your face. Oh, that was precious. Now, get the fuck out of my office," Chancellor Rick told him.

* * *

Beth began packing her things"I'm counting on you, Binks. Don't fuck this up," Beth said to him.

"Yousa betchen mesa bottoms," Jar-Jar replied enthusiastically.

"What the fuck did you just say to me?" Beth questioned.

"Oh, pardon-ay, Senator. I mean I am honored to accept this heavy burden," Jar-Jar said.

"Right," Beth said skeptically. "Try not to authorize a Republic military industrial complex, you know the thing I have been fighting against for several years."

"Yessa," Jar-Jar replied nodding his head.

Beth left Jar-Jar to finish packing in her room. Jerry was there to hear her complain the whole time. "I don't like this idea of hiding," she ranted.

"Hiding can be an excellent alternative to fighting," Jerry told her. "I'm sure it will only be temporary. The Jedi Council is on the case," Jerry said upon seeing her dirty look.

"I have worked for an entire year to defeat the military creation act and now I won't even be here when its fate is decided," she ranted.

"Aren't there like tens of thousands of Senators?" Jerry wondered.

"Every vote counts especially mine," Beth raged.

"Okay, sorry I said anything," Jerry muttered.

"You know what? Don't say anything this entire trip. Don't even look at me. Face the wall," Beth ordered.

"But why?" Jerry asked hurt.

"Because it makes me uncomfortable," Beth replied.

So, Jerry faced the wall as Beth finished her packing.


End file.
